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My Relationship is Sinking
by Barney Battles
The obvious first step in saving a relationship is to consider whether or not it is really worth saving. Attempting to restore it for the wrong reasons is only a way of prolonging the inevitable and increasing the eventual heartache of separation.

So is your relationship is worth saving? To find the answer, ask yourself what you are really getting out of it. If you have been using the relationship to cover something up—a lack of self-respect, for example, or fear of being alone—then these feelings are at least partly responsible for the current state of things. Likewise, your partner may be using you to mask deep-seated emotions, or run away from something in his or her own psyche. In this case, both partners must tend their own garden and work to illuminate those blind spots. Psychically unstable individuals, no matter how in love or attached they may be, cannot form a psychically stable union.

Release definitions

Certain definitions are necessary in this world. Names, locations, facts—these are part of everyday life. But can a human psyche or spirit, with all its unique strengths and vulnerabilities, be defined? What happens when we build conceptual walls around someone, and do not allow them to roam free? What are the effects of trying to block someone from deciding who they want to be?

It might sound abstract, but it happens all the time. Couples spend countless hours together—eating, sleeping, talking. Eventually, they think they know all there is to know about each other. There may be a warmth to this kind of knowing at first, but it often turns cold and bitter with time. One or both partners feel they have lost their ability to change and transform into something new.

Breaking the habit of psychic imprisonment is not a one-time decision made by one partner or the other. It is a mutual, ongoing practice that keeps the roots of the relationship thriving and healthy. In love as in spirituality, it`s all about discovering new ground and being open to new perspectives. The most successful relationships are those that encourage transformation.

Respect Individuality

Variety is the spice of life, and although compatibility has brought you together, the mission of a healthy relationship is not to merge into one lukewarm personality. Respecting differences of habit and personal preference, without reacting incredulously or belittling your partner, is key to rescuing the relationship. Sure, there are compromises—but these should never overwhelm the fact of individual identity.

Remember—the reason you are with this person is because he or she is different, a mirror through which you can see new aspects of yourself and the world. If your partner`s individuality threatens you, or beings up fears of abandonment, it`s time to turn your gaze inward until the source of the problem is visible.

Subtle changes in the external

If you and your partner are doing the inner-work to right the ship, external changes can be a remarkable aid. Changes in hair and wardrobe, getting in shape, or introducing a new perfume are a few examples. Re-arranging a room or two, and looking for ways to improve the flow of energy in the home (whether you live together or not) send powerful signals that positive change is occurring. The trick is to not go overboard. External changes that are too sudden or drastic send a message of inauthenticity, whereas subtle changes build an atmosphere of gradual and consistent change.

Love!

When all is said and done, you and your partner are together because you love each other. You want to support one another and help each other to realize hopes and dreams. Loving another person is a gift, not a duty or obligation. Remembering this is perhaps the most important thing of all.


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